New Job...

He named the bar, “You Bastards!”

…I bought a statue of the rapper P. Diddy, and the artist made it entirely of copper. He said that the unique material allowed it to play a series of notes when struck. With all the recent court developments, I threw it in a fire, and it shockingly turned into a fine mist. It was a mist-copper-tune-diddy.

Lunch is on me

…in Louisiana last week, who lives out on the bayou. We were sitting on the porch drinking some locally sourced tea, when a bee flew right up to my face, startling me. At the same time that I jump back, my friend caught the bee gently in his hand. Unfortunately, I spilled all my tea right into his eyes! The bayou-tea was in the eye of the bee-holder.

looking for a crew to join. He finds a grizzled old captain in the corner, and gives him his pitch. “I’m a great pirate, I’ve been on plenty of crews, can climb the ropes faster than anyone, and will work any job. Please take me on.” The captain shakes his head and turns his back to the pirate. So he tries again, “listen, I’m a hard worker, you can take half my rations and all my gold, I just really need to get out of here!” The captain looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but my ship is full- I can’t take anyone else on or we’re all doomed.” Seeing the confused look on the pirates face, the captain continues. “Listen, as pirates, we’re a bunch of criminals, scoundrels, and fiends. But we’re at capacity. If I let you on my ship, we’d have one extra “Arrrrrr”, and we’d all be friends.”

I said sun, why do you ask

.... In Schools. It's usually a 9mm.

Made it all very confusing when they burst into tears as I dropped them off at their new family.

When I returned, he had only completed #1, #3 & #5. Turns out he only does odd jobs

DraftKings—it’s just betting on the house.